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I am doing 43 things.

Good luck

Well, my luck has turned.. though I don't have a job yet.
I have been lazy for the past ... how many days is it actually? It's hard to get out of bed in the morning as I don't really have a schedule. I like it though. Just so tired.
Second morning in a row when the phone is ringing and I am forced to get up by this. It's a good way, though - at least it got me up and going.

Ok. I still have no luck with Ikea coffee Löfbergs Lila.. It's just not doing it for me.
I have desperately tried to make a decent cup of coffee for weeks now, but I've given up on this one. Cheap coffee cannot be trusted...
Luckily I still had some good coffee in my cupboard, made by
Edinburgh Tea And Coffee Company and this cup came out well.. Thank God!! I thought I, originally from the land of coffee drinkers, had finally lost it.. But nope.
Now what to do with these 3+ bags of coffee I don't really wanna use anymore?
I could give them for charity, but people hardly bring coffee to charity...

I was pleasantly surprised to receive an invitation to an interview.. Maybe I will be lucky then.
Get some money.. Start working again. Though I am not so sure about the shift pattern they are doing, but I'll find out about that one later - at the interview.

Also I got an email from one of the recruitment places.. Offering a crappy-ish admin job in a company which is in the middle of nowhere (checked out their website and noted a depressing looking industrial building on an industrial estate). Ok maybe I am being a bit picky and all but my gut instinct just said no, and I try to listen to my intuition as much as possible.
It might have been ok if it was within a reasonable distance from my home, but it ain't.
This other one however is close by, in a really nice area.. Good pay and benefits.

Just take anything

Yesterday was quiet... I spent most of the day reading Da Vinci Code, as it is the last of Dan Brown's books I still haven't read.. That book is truly amazing, so exciting that you just want to finish it up there and then.. As it is the end of the month, R and I have to live quite carefully, literally counting the pennies..
Oh well.. The tide will turn at some point.

I did have a moment, or a few moments of desperation on Sunday. About my work thing. What do I want to do for a living, where should I go? I don't really have a clue.
As I am multi-talented :) , I have several interests.. Where to choose, that's a completely different thing.
Could it be writing.. baking.. being a pastry chef? Or a secretary? IT support in a completely different kind of environment and company from where I used to be? Do I actually have any interest in IT? I have said NO.. to myself and several people.
But now it is time to look in to the mirror, the mirror of reality.. Take off those rosetinted glasses.. Think about finances.
Where do I have my chances? What's likely to bring me results.
I thought about hotel work but the pay is so crappy that I am not really sure..

OK, I applied for a couple of IT jobs. It should get me somewhere, hopefully.

Today I was sleepy.. sleeping at 9.45 when my mobile rang and I was contacted about one of the jobs I applied yesterday! So I am acknowledged... heh. That's nice.
The guy asked me whether he had woken me up. I denied it.. though he probably knew better :)
Well, I won't get my hopes too high, but nevertheless.. it's a chance.

"This is not the time to get your dream job. It will come when the time is right"

The time is not right just now. Trust. Allow.

The keywords I try to remember.

Pronoia today: found a penny on the street :))

Lost

Yes, I watched an episode of lost yesterday.. And yes it was good.
Well as for the name itself, I feel like I am bit lost myself as well. I may not have experienced an airplane crash and landing on a remote island, but nevertheless lost...

Yumm.. I just devoured an ok-ish fudge doughnut, probably in less than 30 seconds. It wasn't anything special though.

Disappointments. They promised to let me know after the interview what their decision is, and this was supposed to happen a week ago. No letter, no phone call .. No whatsoever.
I am so upset with employers and recruitment agencies that don't give a shit about the people who are looking for a job... They never bother returning your calls.
Why the f*ck do you have a receptionist taking calls, supposedly leaving messages to people, when they never call you back.
I just don't get it.... I really don't get it..
What I am most annoyed about, is clear lying in your face. You sit in an interview, they clearly tell you that ok we will let you know by the end of the week... Why say something like that, when it doesn't happen????

I don't know what the hell I should be doing, career-wise.
I am not sure if I wanna be anybody's secretary anyway.
I don't know what I really want and that sucks!!!!
I need money...

I feel so desperate and lost ... Not on the right track, but could somebody show me the way then.. if I cannot do that on my own.

Walks in the sun

Sunday was a lovely day.. Sunny and so warm. Though you wouldn't always know what the real weather is as the groundfloor flat can be quite deceptive.

Walked to Stockbridge with R, bumped into his colleague on the way. Stockbridge is nice... Saw loads of little cafes and nice delis.. And young, fashionable hip people sipping their lattes on the terrace :) Yep, no wonder it is expensive there.....
Went to have a sit down at Peckhams, on the terrace. It was so nice to sit in the sun (this is Scotland!) and drink Hoegaarden.. it's just made for weathers like these.

We continued to Dean Village, found a really nice park and walk path along side the river.. That place has a real history to it. Ancient mills and water playing a big part in all this.
I dragged R to Buckingham Terrace, wanted to see the houses more close up. I saw them last week when I was on my way to the interview. They looked really nice then, but now it didn't have the same effect.. is this it??

Home.. Dead tired legs. Nasi goreng for dinner.

I made some sort of a promise to myself that I would clean up this mess.
Clean up, sort it out, hoover, do some washing.
After all, it was in my horoscope!

Decisions

Lovely day today.. I planted a guilt trip on him, not consciously but knowing it would happen. And it did.
Left to town early-ish.. Wanted to go to Farmer's market, cos I haven't been there before.
Walked to North Bridge, then to Market Street and beneath the castle.
It's great, loads of organic produce and tastings.. Very inspiring to wander around the stalls and see all the wonderful variety of things they sell. I left with some strawberries and a jar of bramley&apple jam. (it's quite nice, tasted it afterwards at home)

Then back to Royal mile again. That hill walking is quite an exercise on its own..
I ended up in a new age shop and a tarot reading.. Very interesting.

I should go back home, even if it's just a visit. Strong ties with family, need to be there for them. Need to be there for my loved ones.
Work thing is not happening at the moment. Need to listen to your inner guidance, what you really want to do. If you don't, you will end up miserable.
Marriage, do it!
Have been hard on myself.. Yes.
A family member that has passed away and who was important. Yes, mamma.
Things about mother..
Parents welcoming me with open arms if I went back.

I have a tarot book at home and a pack of cards as well... if I could find them..
Started reading the book and it was quite interesting.

A drop too much

Yes.. the bug problem continues. "there are bugs all over the place, man" as Elvis, aka Sebastian Haff said. http://www.bubbahotep.com

Yesterday when I went to bed, I noticed a dark spot on the wall. Please don't let it be a spider..
I put the lights on and it was some kind of beetle, looked like it. I washed him down the toilet and felt a bit guilty..

Next morning I wake up with a headache that is all over the place.. It's never this bad with PMS.
At 13.00 I still have it.. and I remember I had a teeny weeny bit of left over wine yesterday, before dinner. So that upset my delicate stomach. I guess it caused a hangover.
I am an embarrassment for my country...
Luckily there was alka seltzer in the cupboard so I had a restorative drink, watched some news and had some soup. Still hungry. I am always so hungry..

Got the results by post.. Two rejections, one of which I was kind of relieved.
Tomorrow I should hear about my other interview. I hope they say yes!

Baking.. and loving it

As I am jobless and therefore have ample amount of free time, I decided to make some bread today. I have this wonderful bread book with loads of beautiful, inspirational pictures which make you want to become a master baker yourself too :)
I tried the pane casalingo, Italian household bread..
Yesterday evening I made the starter and left it for 12 hours.
This morning I started baking and it took hours, with all the proving and rising etc.
Result looks delicious.. don't know how good it will taste but I am quite hopeful :)

22.50 pm.. OK .. the bread was absolutely delicious, probably the best bread that I've ever baked. And that even with twisting the "rules" a bit. The recipe told me to rise the bread (in the final stage) for 1,5 hours. I had a look after nearly an hour and the dough had doubled and it looked just ready to go.. I usually follow all the baking recipes religiously, but I think sometimes it's just best to use your common sense and intuition.
Bake with your intuition!
I think I made the right choice. Once I was baking this german rye bread or something like that and I think I overproved the dough, which kind of collapsed the breads I was making and probably the end result would've been more fuller if I had shortened the time instead of following the recipe to the dot (is there a saying like that?)

I tried to put a picture of the bread here, but I always seem to get an error message. Hmmm.
shame. It is a nice pic.

Haven't done a lot today.. Again I have wasted too much time in front of this darn computer.. playing stupid card games (solitaire my evil) and surfing the net. I mean who plays Solitaire...??

Well I did some minestrone soup, a bit of food shopping and washing up.
So I guess I was a good housewife :)

I haven't done any to-do lists.. I think I fell off that wagon since I let down one of my lists from last week. It's not the first time things like that happen. When I don't do something on the list, it affects all the rest as well.

Maybe tomorrow. I know definitely tomorrow I need to fill out those forms.. be ready for tomorrow.

Anxious for the decision I will most probably receive tomorrow. Is it a yes or no??

3+1

Interviews yesterday and today...
It's weird. Yesterday I didn't feel nervous at all and wasn't even prepared. Maybe because I had already checked out the place and knew how to get there.
Then I was nervous in the beginning at least and didn't really feel comfortable.
There were 3 of them. One of the women was kind of looking at me up and down.. I saw her doing that from the corner of my eye..
Don't think it went that well but who knows. I will find out soon.

Today I felt nervous.. didn't know whether I was late. I wasn't. Bus came in time and I was there just in time. Again 3 interviewing. This time it was better. They were laidback and friendly. Some jokes even. It made me feel calmer. Though I feel insecure about some things I told I can do, though I haven't really done.
I left the building hoping they won't choose me...
I would like to have a job in the city centre of Leith.

Still waiting, waiting.....

drip drip

Somebody upstairs apparently has some sort of burst pipe/overflow, which they don't know about... The water has been dripping from the outside pipe ever since Friday. And not even dripping, just kind of pouring.. pouring down.
It sounds like rain.. I thought this morning was raining, but it was the dripping I heard..

Getting ready for tomorrow. Haven't really prepared myself for the interview. I don't know if I should.. Well maybe some questions. At least I know where it is and I don't have to run in a panic, like it has happened a few times before :)

Went to Real Foods today.. The haven for holier than thou "I eat only organic" types. It's a really good shop in terms of a good stock of everything really.. all the different not so common flours you never get from normal supermarkets.. the mueslis etc you can buy loose..
But the atmosphere is just ..?? Can't explain it really.
I feel more at ease shopping at Holland&Barrett, and at least they have good offers.

Today we had a visitor... I thought I heard the neighbour's dog growling but it felt a lot closer.. I look up and there is an extra cat that came in to pay a visit to Tom! I was shocked.. Luckily he or she left quickly...

confessions of a slob

Today has been a good day so far in terms of gettings things off my chest and clearing some air.. I feel better now.. Having talked (albeit on email) about the Frustration brought things into prospective again. I love him!

There are things on my to-do list.. Some things which I ignore for the time being.
Like calling X. Somehow I don't wanna do it, remind her of my existence. I am waiting for fish to catch the bait elsewhere, for now.
Two interviews next week... It could change things for me, end this lazy period and get me into a routine.. I need some order in my life.

Well, I truly am a resident of this city now.. The place is crowded with tourists and on my way home from town an italian older gentleman stopped me and asked directions to Calton Hill.
It was easy.. been there.. done that.. no t-shirt though.

Slobby behaviour always surfaces in the time of PMS. Yes, that is my monthly scapegoat.. I get cravings and for the sake of my PMS, I give in to them. And enjoy them, if my stomach wasn't so full..
Did a bit of shopping and on my way back I got some pizza from Bytes n Slices. It was a huuuge slice and cost only£2. What a bargain. A bit tasteless though, but good ..
It wasn't enough for me, or it was, but as I am on a roll I want all those things I denied myself earlier. Which today was a pecan danish. How ridiculous is that. Normal people wouldn't think twice of buying one, if one feels like devouring a pastry.
I did. But not today. I got one, enjoyed it to the maxxx and I can continue with the "chores".
Though I am absolutely stuffed now.. My stomach has most probably shrunk lately, while it doesn't show as it would be any smaller. "a bagful of heavy energy in your lower belly" or as it is said better in finnish "säkillinen raskasta energiaa alavatsassa" (ahh so compact)

Oh yes.. what is it about Valvona & Crolla becoming some sort of a tourist attraction?? Went there today to see if they have any nice breads.. and there was a massive queue outside the shop. It looked they were going to Madame Tussaud's or something.
I couldn't browse as there just was no space for that...

Utilization

Horoscope for today: "take care of business or it might just take care of you first. Putting off any of the smaller details might result in a major hassle, so get out your favorite writing instrument and start a to-do list, stat!"

Now how accurate is that.... I mean I just fiddled around my to-do list, added a new entry there and wondered when and how I am gonna achieve it.

This has been a useless day again.. I don't sleep properly in the early hours of the morning as the cat checks up on me several times: wants to know whether I am awake/whether I am gonna feed them.. and this goes on for hours...
So I don't wake up refreshed.

I do have some plans though. To check out what's happening with the Fringe, where to go and what to see...
Feels like I am more of an evening person anyway.

The recent phone calls left me feeling a bit bad about myself... I felt I am just lazy.. not doing stuff. Playing games when I "should" be doing something important. I just hate the word "should"!! I want to erase it from my vocabulary.

Why is it that I feel I should be proving myself to him constantly. That I am able to do things...

The night ended in a guessing game, why the big sigh. I couldn't say it.. I find it so hard to say what is really bugging me. It is driving me crazy.
But I guess that is just what I have to live with.

To sleep or not to sleep

Or is it called misconceptions?

Pronoia rules!
It's worth focusing on the good bits of your life....
The goodness so far: love of my life, and living with him .. the kisses, warmth, closeness.
Lovely cats. Roof over my head. Being loved. "you are so precious"

My to-do list has 4 entries today..
I have done one of them. Contemplating whether I should do one of the entries, as I don't feel like it. It's a dilemma. I live by my intuition.. do things when you feel like doing them.
It wouldn't harm calling this person, asking how the job hunting's going... but I don't wanna talk to her???? Though she is very nice.
Doesn't matter. It's not like I have to live according to the list..
The list is just a rough guidance, along to go with. To help me keep on track.

I am still wondering whether I should go to bed.. for a few hours to the dreamland.
Last night I dreamt about decomposing bodies... He said it's a good thing, meaning change. Wise man. Indeed it could be that. It sounds logical. Albeit there is no logic in my dreams, or anyone's for that matter. Not that I know much about other people's dreams, cos it's not that sort of thing you discuss over a cup of coffee?? My grandpa being a difference.
This brings me back to the wonderful, carefree summers. Grandpa used to tell about his vivid dreams, there was always some sort of great story..
Those were the days..

Maybe I resist my urge to retreat. I could do some cleaning instead.. Or go hillwalking or something.
Or go to town and see the festivals.

Infatuation

So hungry today.. Hungry for food, sex, change in my personality... Life??
This could be the last day of my life, so yes.. hungry..

Last night I lay awake a long time.. thinking about the same ol' same ol'...
Wondering what can I do? Will things change? Will he want me ever, the way I want him.. and the way I want him to want me? See.. I am even dictating the way he should feel about me.
Maybe we are just so different.
It hurt me to hear that he used to feel a lot sexual with his exes.
But not with me. What is wrong with me?

Not with me. There is always something that is not for me.

This morning in the kitchen I thought what makes him turn on.. me in the kitchen.
Maybe I should dress up more sexily.

I feel so angry........ And frustrated.

Gotta do things today

I intended to get up early and do stuff.. Work along the to-do list I bravely made yesterday.
Well, I got up first at 7 to feed the cats, then back to bed.. I had a feeling I should've got up. Then half an hour later the weird doorbell of ours rings - the postman. A package. Thank you very much. And back to bed...!!
This was second chance to actually stay up, get into the world and be active! But no, I instead wanted to procrastinate getting up. For my defence I have to say I actually enjoyed my sleep and the dreams. So it wasn't all wasted up.

Just had a look at my to-do list. It's not bad.. I can manage it. Do bits and pieces.

Cat is back. Yesterday came back for dinner time. Later he vomited on the sofa.. it looked like he had been eating dog food or something. Today I have to bring the duvet to the launderette, well it was about time!!

Where is the cat?

I feel like I am lost .. in the sea. So many opportunities to do stuff, see stuff.. and here I just am.
Is this what depression is? You just exist... you don't really know who you are and where you're going - this whole thing called life just cannot stop wonderingyou? Meanwhile, people elsewhere get on with their lives. And do stuff.

What am I supposed to do? Find the cat that went out about 4-5 hours ago and hasn't returned.
Bake something nice. Apply for jobs. There are loads of envelopes with application forms and I can't be bothered to even open them.

I don't know what to do.. how to get my zest back. Lust for life and living. I want to live, not just exist. I want to feel passionate.
I do feel passionate about him.. But I feel he is not completely there when we are making out or something. It's like he does that because he feels he has to, not because he really wants to. And even this I doubt, cos I cannot be sure. What the truth is?
I feel passionate but feel depressed how things are at the moment..